i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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