I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
