Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
