either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
