and you said cock pushups were impossible
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
