He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize