i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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