Don't make out with my wife yet
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize