Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
this will be a night to untag.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
