puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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