the condom got lost in my hair
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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