Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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