I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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