God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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