guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
