The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
