i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
