life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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