To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
