gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize