I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
