im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
