you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
