My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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