I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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