I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
