Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
