oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
