I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
