I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
