Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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