Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
why do cheetos always look like penises
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
