I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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