its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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