Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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