I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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