1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
