ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
