Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
