you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
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