i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
