He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
