he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Randomize
