I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
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