That's intense
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
