I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
