i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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