just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize