I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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