I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
