apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
