i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
