I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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