I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
