Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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