Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
