im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize